From my novel, Chapter 29, Seeing . . .
REPERCUSSIONS
I haven't written in this journal since we made peace so many years ago. You sent me thoughts and visions and burdens to pray for people I didn't know. You're aware of all the times I've felt so weird. How alone.
And now I wonder if I'm not rescinding on your plan for me. My desires jumble my brain. My conduct leans more heavily toward pleasing my body. The girl you sent into my life proves both a worthy opponent and an inspiration to cling to you for every word of instruction. And like you do sometimes, you remain quiet or you interject challenge, and I feel like I'm flat off my game. Somehow love got involved. I remembered the attraction, and you know I welcomed it because it restored my manhood--reminded me that I can still feel at all. I thought it was all the flesh--the craving so powerful. And so unsatisfied. But it's more.
She doesn't know you, Jesus. Holy Spirit, I can watch you working. Patient. Kind. I know the line, Lord. To cross it would be like slipping into a noose. The repercussions fatal for me. I can't risk it. Please, Lord God, save her.
Father, apart from you, I can do nothing. Thank you for every inspiration, word, novel. In the Name of Jesus, Amen.